A lot of my posts are funny. Well, at least they’re supposed to be funny. This is not one of those posts. This post is a warning. Something truly wicked is coming. Something so terrible it threatens to upset our very way of life.
Duuun dun duuun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BOM BOM dun dun dun dun dun dun doo dedoo doo dedoo dede doo dede doo dededoo
(That’s the Jaws theme song typed out. The minor internet controversy that is how to write the Jaws theme, is a thing that I just learned).
It started when I printed my boarding passes for my flight home to San Francisco from Tokyo via Taipei.
There staring out at me with her beady little eyes was Hello Kitty. At the time I thought it was a little weird that an airline would have Hello Kitty-themed boarding passes. Hello Kitty is for children (right?) and boarding passes are almost never held by children. If Trix are for kids then, by virtue of the fact that they cost hundreds of dollars, airline tickets are almost always for adults. Thanks to modern draconian ideas about child labor, the under-16 set almost never have hundreds of dollars.
As I walked along the jet bridge, I caught a glimpse of the plane itself.
I had to bob and weave around about 16 selfie-taking Taiwanese families in order to snag this shot. The Hello Kitty jet is Instagram gold.
Once aboard my flight between Tokyo and Taipei, the madness continued. Here is my seat:
The pillow and the head rest both have Hello Kitties on them. There is no place to put my head that doesn’t have a Hello Kitty on it. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.
This is where I notice that Hello Kitty’s eyes are very far apart. Weirdly far apart. Sort of like Brandy’s. You remember Brandy, right? She sang The Boy is Mine with Monica. She was also on the show Moesha for six seasons. That was back in the post-Cosby days when the UPN still existed and they let black people have television shows.
None of this is really relevant other than it was the only non-Hello Kitty-related thought that I had for the 3 hours I was on this flight.
Here’s my flight attendant in a Hello Kitty uniform:
Sorry about the photo being blurry. She was quick and I was nervous about taking too many photos. There are a lot of great ways to end up on the sex offender registry. Sneakily taking pictures of a flight attendant in Hello Kitty apron is not one of them.
Not content to merely emblazon her expressionless little face on things that I can see and touch, Hello Kitty was also all over everything I was meant to ingest.
Hello Kitty ice cream, and
a Hello Kitty in flight meal. A Hello Kitty place mat, Hello Kitty silverware, and look closely the little orange bowl.
Yes, that’s a Hello Kitty tofu wedge. It’s allegedly meant for human consumption. This Hello Kitty invasion had just reached body snatching proportions.
Because Hello Kitty is the Alpha and the Omega, she was prepared for my response to the tofu wedge.
A Hello Kitty barf bag, which is exactly what you need when you get botulism from the in flight meal.
Having fully usurped my corporeal self, Hello Kitty moved onto my soul.
It’s a video of Hello Kitty leading a group of, dare I say, disciples down the street when she receives a wand from the sky and uses it to magically fly her friends to a city in the clouds. Its been a few years since I was last in church, but that sounds a lot like the Reader’s Digest version of the New Testament.
If you don’t believe that’s a Hello Kitty as Jesus narrative than listen to the music. It’s hard to hear, but its definitely O Come All Ye Faithful.
Hello Kitty has achieved a level of market penetration that Mickey Mouse can only dream of. Hello Kitty peddles more influence than Beyonce, Hillary Clinton, and the Illuminati combined.
Thanks to what I can only assume is a well thought out FAA prohibition, there was no sign of Hello Kitty on my next flight (the one to the USA). But, like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke, the federal government can only stem the tide for so long. Say hello to a new pinker world order. I, for one, want to be the first to welcome our new feline overlord. May her reign be just.