Thorn In My Side

So by now you’ve probably seen it. That “lovable” and boyish West Virginia News Anchor who has playfully jazzed hands his way right into the hearts of the internet.

If you happen to be one of the few who haven’t yet been soiled, I guess, for reference, I have to post it here:

His name is Dan Thorn and he once gyrated to a Taylor Swift song and now he’s a hero. With every hero the public demands a villain, and unfortunately for his co-anchor, Sarah Pisciuneri, in this bullshit narrative we’ve spun about their workplace relationship, it’s her.

All the headlines read the same way:

 “Shmoney Dancing News Anchor Dan Thorn is the Hero America Needs” – The Complex

 “Local News Anchor Dances at His Desk: Dan Thorn boosts morale in the newsroom” –The Daily Best

 “News Anchor Dan Thorn Dances to Taylor Swift at Desk, Co-Anchor Throws Shade” – Us Weekly

 Or as I read it, “Nameless Woman Needlessly Seethes with Rage over Shenanigans of Fun Loving Guy,” and its bullshit.

Sarah, I know it doesn’t mean much, but when I see that video and the read those stories it makes me wish we worked together. If we did, I could write “I hate him too” on a Post-It note and discreetly pass it to you under the conference table. Every time Dan got a raise for one of his pathetic attention-seeking stunts, I could gently hum the tune of Michael Jackson’s “You Are Not Alone,” as I walked passed your cube. And whenever Dan and our impotent middle manager took a long lunch, you could send that Post-It back to me, but this time through inter-office mail. Just for funzies. Oh Sarah, we’d make such a game of it. It would be the only thing that kept us sane.

I’m a guy, so it isn’t as bad for me as it is for you. The Dans of the world will not grab my hand while dancing, thus preventing me from doing actual work. I have the luxury of just glowering quietly. I know I’ll be staying late because the Dans were dancing instead of writing news copy, and the Dans will not stay late (And if they do? What a self-congratulatory deal they will make of it). But at least I don’t have to endure being dragged into the miasma of his personality soley to serve as his foil. That is an indignity which you must suffer alone, because no one (not even me) has your back on this. Your only recourse in the entire world is stroke your hair in a manner that conveys how visibly irritated you are, and have the world hate you for it.

I can hear them all now, “C’mon! You don’t even know Dan Thorn. He could be a great worker. Don’t be so judgmental!”

No one that wants to go viral that desperately is a hard worker. Hard working people use Taylor Swift songs as a momentary release from all the hard work they’re doing. Taylor Swift songs are NEVER the actual substance of that hard work…Taylor Swift, herself, being the only exception to that rule.

I haven’t ever worked with this Dan Thorn, but I’ve worked with many of his kind. Dan Thorn is Legion. And I mean that both in the “a vast, multitude, or number” sense and also in the “movie (circa 2010) about demons assaulting the earth” sense.

There has been a Dan Thorn in every job I’ve ever had: from scooping ice cream to bullshit professional services. He’s everywhere, and he’s doing really well so feel free to tone down the adulation.

 I know my plea won’t make any difference. Dan Thorn is just too powerful to stop; his hair too swoopy and his looks too generically good. He bested me before we even began. Anything I say will only be viewed through the lens of “but the haters gonna hate hate hate…”

But to that point, let me just say that Dan Thorn did not do anything that six graders don’t do as frequently as their public school dance schedule will allow.

I know you’ve just jazzed hands your way to the news desk. Your whole life has been one long jazz-hands hand job.

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